The 4 emotional intelligence skills every coach needs

Emotional intelligence is one of the core skills you need to develop if you want to be a good coach, and it comes down to knowing yourself and reading others well. If you have ever wondered how top coaches stay calm when a client insults them in public, this is exactly the skill set that makes it possible. This breakdown is for anyone learning to coach, lead, or simply relate better to the people around them.

What is emotional intelligence and why does it matter?

Emotional intelligence is a series of behaviors that can be learned and developed, where you place your emotions under the control of your intellect. It changed how we think about being smart.

Before this idea existed, intelligence was measured only by IQ, which gave you a static number. If your IQ was 120, that was it, you could not evolve or develop it [00:26]. Then Daniel Goleman proposed a very different view.

What is emotional intelligence? It is the ability to be aware of your emotions and control them instead of acting on impulse. Unlike IQ, it can be learned and improved over time.

What makes Goleman's contribution so powerful is that it treats intelligence as something you build, not something fixed. And that reframe is what makes it so relevant to coaching [00:48].

What are the 4 skills of emotional intelligence?

From the coaching point of view, emotional intelligence breaks down into four skills. Two of them focus on you, and two focus on others [01:25].

• Self-awareness: knowing when you are feeling a certain way.
• Self-regulation: controlling how you act on that feeling.
• Empathy: reading and understanding other people.
• Social skills: building a wide, positive network.

Let's look at each one, because the interesting part is not knowing you are happy or relaxed, it is knowing what to do when you are angry or scared.

How does self-awareness work when you get angry?

Self-awareness is simply knowing what you feel in the moment. Saying "I know I'm happy" or "I'm tired" counts, but the real test comes with harder emotions [01:47].

Without training, when you get angry you might insult someone, become violent, or just withdraw. The first step is to stop and recognize it [02:14]. It is as simple as pausing and thinking, "Hmm, I think I'm getting angry." That pause is the whole skill [02:35].

Why is self-regulation exclusive to humans?

Self-regulation is the ability to not act by instinct, and it is a skill exclusive to humans [02:52]. An angry or scared animal has only one way to react. You do not.

What is self-regulation in emotional intelligence? It is being angry without acting angry, or scared without acting scared. When a client insults you in public, you keep your tone calm and defend yourself without violence.

Instead of shouting back, you regulate: keep your voice calm, smile if needed, and state clearly what you want to say [03:21]. You defend yourself, but in a regulated way.

How do empathy and social skills connect you to others?

The last two skills shift the focus outward, toward the people you coach and work with.

Empathy is the ability to read others, to walk in the other person's shoes [03:43]. When a client insults you, it probably has nothing to do with you personally. Maybe they had a horrible day, or they feel they wasted their time and money [04:11]. Listening to their point of view is what lets you understand them.

What is empathy in coaching? It is understanding what another person feels and why they act that way, even when their reaction seems aimed at you. It means listening to their point of view before reacting.

Social skills are the ability to be friendly with many people [04:34]. You may not become friends, but you build a network so vast and positive that people want to do business with you, help you, and take on projects with you because you are reliable and make them feel they can progress [04:53].

Whose agenda leads a coaching session?

Here is where these skills become non-negotiable for a coach. The coachee leads, not the coach [05:36].

That means you never impose your own agenda. If you think a person needs more creative thinking but they do not feel it is their priority, you follow their lead instead, and that requires self-regulation [05:57]. It is not your agenda, it is your coachee's agenda.

You develop this in two ways:

1. Listen more than you speak.
2. Brainstorm suggestions so the person reaches their goal, not yours.

This matters because your coachee will be vulnerable while learning with you [05:14]. Controlling your own emotions and helping regulate theirs is what protects that space.

Your challenge: who is emotionally intelligent in your life?

Think of one person you consider emotionally intelligent, maybe someone at home, a friend, or your partner [06:32].

Break down what they actually do. Do those behaviors match the four skills we covered: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills? Type your answer in the discussion board and start exchanging experiences with others. Now go and amaze the world.